Last week was rough for James, and so was the week before. He was in trouble every day at school due to lack of focus and participation - all sad faces and 'meh' faces - not a single smile. Too many notes home from the teacher and frustrated texts from her in the middle of my work day because she couldn't get him to start his seatwork or complete it in a timely manner. We tried all our usual discipline tactics (threats and consequences are usually all James requires to get in gear), and when even taking away his screen time (including his KindleFire, LeapPad, GameBoy, Playstation, and even TV/movies) for almost two weeks didn't get him back on track, we had to dig deeper. As far as we could tell (after questioning him and his teacher at length), nothing weird/different/bad was going on at school. Nothing was weird/different/bad at home. The only change we could think of was his age.
Hear me out on this... Every year, right around our kids' birthdays (from 1-year on up), things get funky for 4-6 weeks. It usually starts about 1-2 weeks before their birthday, with unexplained behavior issues and other random difficulties. Over the years, we've chocked it up to the age change. While it may seem arbitrary, we don't think it is. There is so much hype leading up to a birthday, so much excitement with the presents and party and school celebrations. And then it's over. And all the while, kids are growing (physically and mentally) and changing. Every year we expect more out of them. And it can be hard being a kid. If you don't believe it, ask one...
So once we remembered the birthday behavior issues of years past, we realized exactly what we needed to do to help James. We needed to cut him some slack. We stopped nagging him (or even reminding him) about focus and all the other "rules" (mostly in relation to school, but at home too). We didn't threaten him with any other consequences (losing video games had already lost it's effect anyway, as he wasn't asking for them back - surprising, right?) Instead, we started giving him what he needed. Have you read the book about The 5 Love Languages of Children? (They are the same for adults too.) James' two most important love languages are Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation, with Quality Time a close third. He's a snuggler and a hugger and a kisser and a hand-holder and a nuzzle-your-shoulder-at-the-dinner-tabler. He wasn't lacking in physical touch from us (we're a very huggy-kissy family), but we knew we could give him even more (combining it with quality time). We started laying with him at bedtime again, talking about his day or anything he wants, for as long as he wants, letting him pet our hair, and just holding him close until he fell asleep. We started it Friday night and we saw changes by Saturday (at his Super Soccer game). The good vibes continued through the weekend (and don't worry, Cora has been getting the extra bedtime snuggles too - we've been taking turns laying with each of them), and on Monday he came home with an all smiles report. At the same time, since we were no longer begging him to behave, we focused our words on building him up - telling him all the things he's great at, how much we love him, how proud we are of him - all of it. We didn't let an opportunity pass and he heard it all. Our boy has a smile that will seriously melt your heart, and to see him SO HAPPY again lately has been a huge relief.
This week he's had all smiles on his report every single day. And he came home on Wednesday with his first ever Super Reader Award AND straight A's on his progress report (not the first time, but the first time this semester - lack of focus during Bible Story time has been getting him B's in Blble)!
(Jay will also tell you that coconut oil is playing a role here... He started giving James a teaspoon each morning to help him with concentration. And because we have so many confounding factors, I can't say that it isn't helping...)
Nobody ever said parenting was easy, and that's ok. I'm just glad we remembered that things change and stuff (routines, methods of discipline, whatever) that used to work great, just might not anymore. It doesn't make the parents or the child wrong, it just means that we need to figure out NEW stuff as we all grow. I'm grateful to have the opportunity for that growth, and I'm beyond thankful to have Jay as my partner in this journey - it's certainly easier together. And because I know James will read this someday (probably sooner than later at the rate he's learning to read!), he needs to know that I am truly happy he's our guinea pig in all this parenting "stuff" - our patient little sweetheart who cuts mama and daddy a LOT of slack (so he certainly deserves it right back!)