After the one and only time we did cry-it-out with James, we vowed never to do it again. He was probably 10 or 11 months at the time, and was in a phase where he needed to be rocked to sleep for FOREVER, and would often wake up the instant we laid him in his crib, crying and wanting to be picked back up. He was suffering separation anxiety something fierce. Jay and I were taking turns at night trying to get him to sleep because he had outgrown the glider and it hurt our backs to rock him, for hours (literally), to get him to bed. So one night, we decided to give cry-it-out a shot. Just to see. And it was horrible. The nursery is right across from our bedroom and it has no door. Since we have hardwood floors, every little noise echos, and big noises can rattle your brain. Our poor baby cried hard for 15 heart wrenching minutes before he finally gave in and went to sleep, and I literally cried right along with him, in my own bed. The next morning, I told Jay we'd never do it again. And we didn't. We rocked that boy for months. And when he moved to his big boy bed, we laid down with him until he drifted off to sleep, enduring his fidgety hands and kicking feet. Nowadays, he usually falls asleep on the couch with Jay while I nurse Cora to sleep upstairs. Or, if he hasn't fallen asleep by 8:30, one of us takes him back to bed and lays down with him, at which point he usually crashes within minutes. He is just a cuddly little guy who prefers to go to sleep while being held. He'll often twirl my hair or pat my arm while he sucks his thumb as he drifts off, and it is the absolute sweetest thing. And once he's asleep, you can scoop him up and tuck him into bed without so much as a sigh, and he sleeps all night long.
Cora, on the other hand, is extremely difficult to get to bed, and once she's there, it takes an AVERAGE of 3 more attempts to get her to stay asleep in her crib. So, regardless of that promise I made, and despite the fact that I KNOW Cora can scream and cry for far longer than 15 minutes (her record is currently set at 55 minutes, from our last road trip - we about lost our minds and there was nothing we could do, since we were between rest areas and really needed to get home), I had to let her cry-it-out last night. She is still using me as a pacifier, and I have, unfortunately, been enabling her. Why? Because I want to sleep. And I want a little peace and quiet now and then. If I let her suckle, she stops fussing and goes to sleep. I bring her in bed with me at night and in the mornings, and I let her nap in my arms during the day while still attached to me. I realize that this has to stop. I am not sleeping well anymore (because I find it uncomfortable to be suckled all night long, not because I mind cosleeping - I love cosleeping) and I am becoming a bit resentful of never getting a break during the day. I don't want to spend Cora and James' awake time cleaning the house because I want to spend time with them, so not having a nap schedule or dependable bedtime for Cora has caused the house to explode. And that adds to my stress. And it's really not OK to resent a 7-month-old. It's my fault she's doing this, not hers.
I don't even know for sure how long she cried in her crib last night. She had woken up every 5-10 minutes from 8:15 to 9:30, every time I laid her down. She nursed well twice at bedtime, but then kept falling asleep at the breast, suckling just long enough to comfort herself. I managed to sneak the paci in twice (she screamed at first, but was so tired she gave in to it), but she woke as soon as she dropped it. By 9:30, I knew I couldn't keep picking her up because she expected me to give in and "nurse" her, because that's what I have always done, so I tried offering the paci and patting her tummy while she laid in the crib. She screamed and kicked and threw a serious fit. So Jay stepped in and tried my method. When it didn't work for him either, he picked her up and tried all his tricks. NOTHING worked to calm her. Because once she's mad, she's mad. And she just wanted her Mama (well, her mama's breast, to be exact). So he laid her back in her crib and went back to his schoolwork. But rather than go back upstairs, I decided to let her cry. As much as I hated to try it, I really wanted to see whether or not she would eventually put herself to sleep. I didn't check the clock, but I know I was able to make her daycare bottles, empty the dishwasher, clean up the mess from dinner, pick up all the toys in the living room, put away the clean diapers, and organize a load of laundry before she stopped fussing. It must have been at least 30 minutes. And I felt awful (still do), even though she then slept until 7am this morning.
I expect to have a very difficult weekend as I implement my new "rule", nursing only until she stops eating or drifts off, then making her sleep in her crib, even for naps. There will be lots more crying involved (for both of us), but I feel like I need to do this. This week she has been particularly difficult and demanding, and after having a bit of a breakdown the other night, I know I need to make a change. My girl is so strong-willed. Something that will serve her well in life, but will also make things difficult on Jay and I at times, I'm sure. "Persistent" is how my friend Dawn accurately described her. And that, I suppose, is what has changed my mind about letting my baby cry. Because unless I give Cora exactly what she wants (my breast) when she wants it (all night long), she IS going to cry. She will cry if I rock her or walk her or bounce her or sing to her. She will cry through the pacifier. She will cry in her Daddy's arms too. And while I know very well that crying in her crib is much harder on her than crying in her parents' arms (and I feel very guilty about that), we can only take so much. So, Baby Doll, I hope you can forgive me for making this decision. And I hope that you can somehow learn to self-soothe. Soon. You need your sleep to grow and stay healthy, and Mama needs her sleep to maintain her sanity.
And there you have it. That is my confession. While I would never let a newborn cry, and while I vowed never to use the cry-it-out method again, I honestly think it is our only option right now. If it doesn't work in a few days, I suppose I'll just suck it up and give Cora what she wants until she's a little older, then try again. Or try something else. It's breaking my heart to have to do this. If any of you mamas have ever been treated as a pacifier and have a solution for me other than cry-it-out, I'd really love to hear it. But your solution can't involve having Daddy put the baby to bed and go in every time the baby wakes up. Jay is working full time and taking a full load of graduate coursework - he needs to study, and he needs the little bit of sleep he manages to fit in after he studies (which he never does until after James is in bed for the night).
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